After a long day at the computer, Eve Adams, economic consultant opened her mail.
In order to effectively maintain the consultant list and provide for public interface, it has become necessary to institute a fee of $25.00 for a two year period. It is requested t hat if you wish to remain on the list, please forward a check to this office in the amount of $25.00 made payable to Timber County.
"If $25 gets us on the list, how much will it cost to move to the top of the list?"
How can we balance the budget overnight?
Easy. Put a tax on sex.
"My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"Well, yes, I guess I would."
"How about $100?"
"What kind of person do you think I am?"
"My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"
Some of you... may have decided that, this
year, you're
going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, y
ou can forget it. If everybod y pulled that king of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions
of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a la
rge sum of money and go to a mall.
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax q uestion, such as how you can cheat, they' re useless.
So for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes
...
"Give me a one-armed economist!" demanded President Harry S. Truman.
President Truman was the first president to appoint a council of economic advisers. Unlike some later presidents, he actually liked to liste n to his policy advisers. However, he preferred a clear recommendation, not a long discussion of the advantages a nd disadvantages of a particular course of action.
He quickly grew tired of economist who gave a good recommendation, and then began, "O n the other hand. . ."
Someone told me recently about an architect, a surgeon, and economist. The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' Th e architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'
Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist. They get behind a VERY slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three guys are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I realy didnt expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."
By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that th ey be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and co mplain so loud.
The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I'v e been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."
The economist ponders the situation--finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."
Newlan's Truism:
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
There are two types of economists:
Economists are number crunchers who, if they had any charisma, would have become accountants.
If you laid all the economist end to end, they would never reach a conclusion.
How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in!
How many econ grad students does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She is writing her dissertation on the economics of light bulbs, and she'll have an answer for you in 5 years.
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continueeat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you
lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
recessions.
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
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