Importance of Language

As a community, we must recognize that language can have a lasting impact.

We understand that many people have never had conversations about how to talk with survivors of sexual violence or intimate partner abuse. Sometimes, without meaning to, we say things that blame victims, invalidate their experiences, or reflect harmful myths about what "real" abuse or assault looks like. Even small comments can perpetuate rape culture at a micro level.

This page offers examples of questions and statements that may cause harm, followed by suggestions for more supportive, survivor-centered alternatives. Our goal is not to shame anyone, but to instead educate. We hope to help create a safer, more empathetic campus and community.

Harmful Questions to Avoid

These types of questions often have an intent of “just trying to understand,” but they often shift blame onto the survivor and imply that they’re responsible for what happened to them.

• “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”
• “What were you wearing?”
• “Had you been flirting earlier?”
• “How long had you two been talking or dating?”
• “Why did you leave your friend group?”
• “Why didn’t you fight back?”
• “Did you actually say no?”
• “How much had you been drinking?”
• “If you don’t remember anything, how do you know you didn’t say yes?”

Harmful Statements That Perpetuate Victim-Blaming

• “They’ve been dating.”
• “Come on, this happens all the time, I can’t be sympathetic to every person.”
• “She’s been a big flirt.”
• “Not that I think it’s okay, but have you seen what people wear these days?”
• “I would have fought him off.”
• “I would leave the first time someone hit me.”
• “You know those spaces won’t take you seriously.”

Language That Reinforces Harmful Myths

While data shows that gender-based violence disproportionately impacts women, we must remember that anyone can be a survivor of sexual assault, intimate partner abuse, sexual exploitation, stalking, or harassment regardless of:

• Race or ethnicity
• Age
• Sexual orientation
• Gender identity or expression
• Immigration status
• Physical or mental ability
• Religion
• Socioeconomic background

You may not always know who around you is carrying this experience. What we say even in casual conversations matters. These comments often come from misinformation or stereotypes.

• “That’s not how it works.”
• “How could that even happen?”
• “No one will believe you.”
• “Hi, she—sorry, they—want to report something.”
• “Only women can be sexually assaulted.”
• “Men are supposed to like it.”
• “If you’re both gay, how does that work?”

You don’t need to say the “perfect” thing, what matters most is being present. When survivors feel believed and supported, it can make a huge difference

• “Thank you for trusting me with this”
• “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
• “You didn’t deserve this.”
• “Whatever you're feeling is okay, there's no right or wrong way to process this”
• “I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”
• “I care about you, and I want to support you — I might not have all the right words, but I’m here.”
• “This is really important. I want to be the best support I can, would it be okay if we looked at some resources together?”
• “I care so much about you and I want to give you the support you deserve. I’m noticing I’m feeling overwhelmed because of some things in my past. Would it be okay if we paused and found someone else to support you right now?”
• “I’m realizing that I might be projecting some of my own stuff, and I don’t want that to get in the way of what you need. Can we talk about how I can still support you or help you connect with someone else?”